| Frustrated with frustration
Moods come and go, but over the years I’ve always dealt with this crap mood of just feeling down and frustrated, countless time I’ve tried to put it down into words, yet I fail, either I just get so frustrated I can’t write it down, or then I just can’t pinpoint what is bothering me, why I’m frustrated or just whatever emotions are going through me.
If I were to logically sit down and list whatever I could think of which might be frustrating me, I’ll get a couple of things which are beyond my ability and control. There’s just so much, it’s something that builds up over time, whatever bothers me just doesn’t make sense, its things that aren’t even worth mentioning. When I’m in times like this nothing makes sense, life just doesn’t look like how it is, or how is should be. Believe me heck I’m really thankful for what I have, indeed I’m blessed to the max. But I do feel pressured by things around me, yea I’m annoyed by all this relationships around me, as I’ve mentioned before every other monkey on the street is involved in one, thing is why does it bother me? I’m happy being single; I’m enjoying every bit of it. I know how I’ll be in a relationship, and life will definitely be so much more frustrating and difficult, why then is this bothering me? Bleh. Maybe it’s because I’m not the average 18 year old guy out there, besides relationships I have no taste for alcohol, clubbing, today’s music, cars and speed, sex, and whatever else occupies the mind of my fellow teenagers. I’m not saying all are like that, I honestly don’t know what I’m saying. Perhaps I might have fallen for someone, I don’t know, I laugh about it when I think about it. I know for sure that I have not fallen, the catch is yet, at this rate perhaps I might, and the prospect of it is very horrifying, there is just too much to lose, you might guess who it is, haha, but I’m just being paranoid about the whole issue. I’m not ready to date, I’m still cut by my last relationship. You might think its Rachelle, but it’s not. She on the other hand has been surprising me, throughout our relationship she never really called me because she felt like it, it always was me calling or then she calling because when I said I’ll call she’d say it was alright for she would call me instead. When we broke up it was so sudden, and although I did keep contact, even when I was in the service where I wrote to her once a week, I never ever heard from her. I’ve kind of cut contact with her as well, not worth it, and it helped me get over her. Now though she’s approaching me online to talk, and two days ago out of the blue she just called and we spoke for an hour. That is so totally not her, no I’m not having any hopes, I don’t care about that, I’m thrilled that we are actually friends again, still could this be bothering me?
Lance is leaving for Australia on Thursday, I’ve mentioned him before in previous entries. He’s always been like a brother to me, we understand each other so well, and just being together is comforting. I can open up to him and share so much that I haven’t been able to do with so many other close friends. He knows what to say, and we’ve been through so many identical situations. He has a real heart for God, and has always been there to guide me through all my struggles as a young Christian. Ever since he finished high school, he didn’t want to take the normal route to college. He dared to be different, and instead went to Australia with YWAM (Youth’s With a Mission) for a 5 month course, which he extended and extended until he spent 2 years in Australia, which he and his team used as a base to do God’s work, and going of to trips into Hong Kong and India. Now he’s joined them for 2 years as a working staff. He was only to leave in September, and suddenly yesterday he announces that things have taken a twist and he leaves on Thursday. Somehow we are never in town at the same time, when I’m here he’s in Australia or in the field, and when he was back I was in the service. But through those times in between we did have so many good times. I’ll definitely miss him. (He’s mentioned in my December 26th 03 posting).
In church over the last few days, and in quiet time I’ve been bombarded with love and God. Just so much of it, which makes me feel so bad, and I read the book ‘the heavenly man’ by Brother Yun, real powerful book which really puts my life to shame. I feel I’m sorta a hypocrite Christian, I could be doing so much more, putting in much more time and effort and love, I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve added to teaching in Sunday School some time ago, but it’s not the amount of ministries on serves in, but the amount of love and effort that goes into it. I really feel God is pushing me to re-examine my life through love, changing things where it should and must be changed, and not compromise things. For the last 3 days I’ve every day heard of ‘For God so loved the world he GAVE…’, everything is about giving. I feel bad, I need change.
Couple of other things, I don’t feel like writing anymore. Did I make sense? Hm.. I don’t know. |
